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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.